It is not in my nature to settle. It is not in my nature to simply “put up with” unhappiness in the hopes that life will improve. For that is all it is really, hoping life will improve. I believe if it makes you unhappy, enduring it is a waste of time, a waste of precious moments, of the potential for joy. Everyone knows pain in the body exists for a reason, to tell us something is wrong. I believe pain in the heart and the mind is the same. Yes, of course there are brief times when we must endure pain, when it truly is a step on a journey or towards achievement. But we must never forget that pain is a message, that something is wrong. And if there is no end in sight, and only our own willpower and choices stand in the way of ending that pain, then we must be brave and choose another way.
As I said in the last post, I have been unhappy, hurting, enduring pain for an invisible, unknowable, merely hopeful, improvement in life. I was living the way I was “supposed to” and hating it. Then I remembered my true nature, my old bravery and social rebellion, my need to make the most of life, smile more often than frown, enjoy the journey and keep seeking until I find “it,” not sit and wait for it to maybe, someday, hopefully, possibly come find me.
So I’m breaking the chains, big time.
I resigned from my job yesterday. I put in my 2 weeks, started saying my goodbyes (no matter what, those are hard when you love the people, but not the place). I hated it there, and that’s just silly in the end. So I ended it. And now I feel amazing.
It wasn’t a totally sudden decision. The recognition of my unhappy drudgery stirred me a few months ago to begin planning and reaching towards change. There’s no point in leaving one miserable situation to just move into another one though, so I really looked at the things I wanted, and didn’t want, and reminded myself there are so very many options out there. As usual for me, the initial ideas and plans I came up with are not the ones coming to fruition now, but that’s okay too. They helped me open my eyes and get inspired and excited, so a shift here and there and a few beautiful curveballs thrown my way are only making the end of this chapter more fun.
Did I get another job? Well, um, sort of. Another occupation and means of living yes. A Job, like the all-American, proper paycheck, benefits, clock-in type? Nope! I have finally found someone in tune with my heart and together we are taking on the position of caretakers on a ranch for the winter. My “income” (read room and board) will be earned feeding and caring for horses, oiling tack, chopping firewood, learning to bake bread for the other part time residents, potentially yelling at some chickens, and whatever else comes up that needs doing. My remaining time will be spent blissfully pursuing a few of my real dreams. Silence, warmth from a wood fire, a farmhouse kitchen, falling snow, a slow pace, and love will be my companions as I finally get an unencumbered opportunity to grow into a real writer.
Hello Life, good to see you again.