I was so very right.. about complacency being a silent killer. I have stayed with the same job, basically, for a year and a half now. In my attempts to be a normal civilian, to sit still, to build a resume and stability, I have developed in “my industry” from part time receptionist to assistant to the studio manager, to assistant manager of the studio to taking over my very own studio as Studio Manager within 14 months. Before I speak further, let me say how grateful I am to my friend who made the connections to get me the part time position to start with… the job market is horrific, thank you for helping me survive. But… I hate this place/job/company/corporation/position/work… I hate it. I do not understand the prevalent mentality that due to people’s misconceptions of human capacity, one must keep a job one hates for inordinate lengths of time in order to look marketable to someone else so that one might eventually improve one’s lot and life. I have retained, and significantly advanced within, my “industry” and so should now be, in theory, more attractive to employers. However, I have been stifled and belittled and bored for a year and half and I wonder and hope, and despise, that I may now be in a position to get a job I actually care about and can be proud of. I feel I have been wasting time. I don’t think I have time to waste. Life hold so much more, so many possibilities, for adventure and excitement and significance and change. A year and a half is far too dear. I must find something new, to save myself from crumbling beneath a disrespectful boss and. an irrelevant “responsibility” and to further my goals and pleasures, no matter what society thinks of them. Wish me luck.
I think I have figured out part of why I am having trouble figuring out what my path is. In order to identify one’s path, one must define oneself. I have no one definition. I have finally realized and accepted that I am many things, many women, all in one. No, I do not suffer from an identity disorder, I have had no massive trauma that has caused me to develop separate identities to protect my mind and soul from further damage. I am, simply, complicated; multi-faceted one might say.
This realization has been swimming around lazily in the back of my head for some time, as I decide what to wear for the day, where to travel, what to do. Only recently has it solidified into something useful, something that has provided me with an answer to my constant question of “why can’t I figure out what makes me happy?” I know now it is because many things make me happy, and the variety makes me the happiest. I need a life where I can be all of who I am, at the times when I want to be them. I need a life that includes people who accept that I am my own personal variety show, a global, happy, wacky smoothie of “type” (non-dairy of course).
I am immensely grateful for the “family” I have developed along the way that do exactly that. I love you, Thank you for accepting the fact that I am…